There is no such thing as a fresh start.
I've mused before on the myth of the tabla rasa at the New Year, but it is always true. Nothing is clean or easy to end or then to begin.There are always jacket edges holdovers, sticky bits. I would say I wouldn't have it any other way but that would be so false. I've been holding out so long for just such a new beginning, a clean starting line. Letting the old life decay around me, living on scraps and rust while I try to convince myself that I'm just revving up for the Next Thing, where it all will be Shiny and New and Me.
But I'm not strong enough to scorch the earth behind me and just restart, so I have to act like a citizen of the real world. I'm young enough, but realizing I'm reaching the point where there will always be baggage. Forever and ever amen. Deal with it. I already used my "fresh start", 17 and wide eyed and no idea what I was building. I wouldn't say I wasted it. I think of things I might have done differently, but I don't have regret or bitterness weighing down my tongue. It's nice to realize that. I'll start from there, instead of the kind of emptiness/novelty is bliss attitude I feel like I was building up to attempting.Our past defines us, et cetera et cetera. Weighs us down and/or teaches us. But we all know (maybe?) that it's really the now-us really doing that. We choose how to strap on our baggage, whether it's going to supply us or be an unendurable burden.
Such a philosophy is easier to know than to apply, of course. Time is muddled, and I get incredibly messy as I try to slog through it. Then the world opens up, and I realize I have to deal not only with my incredibly unorganized issues, but also everyone else's. Friends, lovers, enemies. All regurgitating pastpresentfuture all over me. Just the thought of it is exhausting. And also amazing.
All of this is unfortunately insipid and vague. A necessary hashing out of issues surrounding personal realities of mine. A text rehearsal of mental application. Whatever. I'm going to start buying new things for an old house, literally and figuratively. Confront some intersection of control and aesthetics and the feeling of home.
Confront some issue. Confront anything.
2013, prepare to be refurbished.
We think facing problems means simply getting excited and distracted by a vague new beginning. We try to slice off the past as if it's possible to exist without being caused by it. True growth comes from turning inward and digging up the real objects we should be chipping away at that only subtly emerge from the constant distractions and overload of entertainment that we swim in.
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