Heil Consumerism!

I am now (almost) employed! Beating the odds!

Yeah, it's just another job as a server, and probably less lucrative than my last one at that, but starting Monday Sunday(/today), I will have (relatively) steady money coming in again, and I am really excited. Because as much as I believe that "things" don't make you a better person or define who you are, I sure do love nice things. My bank account has managed to coordinate nicely with my college career, i.e., they both ran out at the same time, so for the last little bit the budget's been tight, as in, frayed-shoestring type tight. The delightful boon of my graduation money, therefore, is going towards keeping a roof over my head, instead of towards all the fun stuff it was meant for. But as I'm writing my rent check and paying off my credit card bill, I'm also making a list of things I want to blow my money on to spoil myself once I have disposable income again.

(Hypothetical) Treat Yo Self:

-Massage (+ Pedicure. Also probably manicure)

I am in love with this amazingly creepy stock image.

I hurt. And I am weary. Admittedly, I haven't been doing that much of physical activity in the last few days (hey, I've been sick), but immediately before that I was doing really well with the whole fitness and staying active thing, and before that I was hauling my flesh bag around a massive campus for a few years. Also, something weird has been going on with my lower back lately. Plus, I promised my feet a pedicure after Italy. Turns out I'm a liar (also I don't really talk to my feet). Time to fix that. 

-Shoes

I need. More. Shoes.

Ok, not that many.

I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, a shoe fanatic. Nor do I enjoy in any way shopping for shoes. In fact, nothing makes me more irritable more quickly. But I am in dire need of a small but reliable assortment of practical and nice-looking footwear. I am a grown-ass woman now, and I need me some heels (tiny ones, I have god-awful balance). And I would kill (or at least put down a chunk of change) for some nice Dr. Martens.

-Yoga Pants

So I've been doing the Yogalates thing. Turns out plankjacks and one-armed frog push-ups in a heated (!) room make you sweat a lot. I mean a lot. And it's so much worse if you don't have some semblance of "correct" exercise clothing, which, being woefully underequipped for any fit lifestyle, I do not. And while I would also like some nice swanky exercise shorts and sports tops, yoga pants are exceedingly comfy. And they have the wonderful tendency to boost a lady's opinion of her own derriere.

-Nice Lingerie

While on the subject of clothing-type-things, I would like to yearn for some new undergarments. And by "nice lingerie" I do not mean "slutty" or "uncomfortable ribbons and lace." I have in mind something that is comfortable but that I know still looks cute even under probably grungy clothing. And maybe even--but let's not get too crazy here--matching. I like to keep in mind a piece of family wisdom...the wording is variable, but it has something to do with always wearing presentable underwear in case you get hit by a car. It made sense at the time. Anyway, it's pretty embarrassing to get caught out looking like a pathetic orphan-child with raggedy undies when trying on clothes with friends or whatever. I am a presentable lady. Or something.

-New Shower Curtain

The shower curtain currently hanging in my bathroom is at this point probably more mildew-cleaning spray than the original PVC.

The mildew's winning.

I was thinking something more whimsical than black mold, maybe a map of the London Underground? While we're at it, I'd like a new bathmat and set of nice fluffy towels in brick-red. Oh hell, just redo the whole room.

-----------------------------------

OKAY, I'm getting slightly horrified/disgusted at my perky justifications for why I need to consume new, ever more expensive "better" products. (That, however, does not negate my desire for the items on the above list. I do love my shiny things.) I have always been inclined to perpetually make lists, and it is ever so delightful when the items on it are concrete and can oh-so-easily be added to Amazon. However, I am less so in the habit of showing people those lists, as that tends to project less-than-desirable character traits around the 14th "I WANT THIS" list. (Exception: If I think the audience is actually going to get me the products on said list. My letters to Santa were brusque and itemized.) So, ending this. And would like to note that my attempt to fool around with free stock images was less than stellar, but hilarious for me. Really the choices are abominable, and I am lazy.

Also, just made another submission to another journal, so already this summer has been more productive than I could (based on past summers) reasonably expect! Now I can go back to reading Anna Karenina, which is the best procrastination strategy ever. "How could I be doing something irresponsible? I'm reading Tolstoy."

Pompous and Circumstantial

graduate, v. :

1. To take a university degree

2. To divide into degrees; to mark out into portions according to a certain scale.


So.
I am graduated. In both of the above senses.

Well, alright, I don't have my diploma physically in hand, as I opted to drink mimosas in my backyard instead of sitting through an excruciatingly boring ceremony. But I did it, they have the paper.

And as much as I may make noise about college being a part of Real Life, etc., it has been forced on my attention in the last week especially that we are compelled to divide ourselves and our lives; we must make boundaries starting and ending points, everything packed neatly (or rather sloppily in some cases) into little boxes. We do this in all sorts of ways: with our chronologies, our personality, our friends. For those of us in the institutional educational system, it's especially easy at this point in life. Clump it into high school, then college, with each year given a neat little label-- FreshmanSohphomoreJuniorSenior. Or maybe by major--when I was a Bio major... when I studied music...Compared to most of life it's easy, neat.

I myself am especially prone to making such divisions. Always have been. I was supreme at compartmentalization (I'm still inclined towards it, but it used to be much more severe). I had multiple groups of friends, none of whom interacted with or knew much at all about the others. And each of them saw a different side of me, never seen by the others. In a failure/success of my system, as friend from group A happened to meet a friend from group B and shared a (true) anecdote about me. No one from group B believed it and it went down as a total lie.
Now, it's not that I was a superchameleon or completely fake--all of these sides I showed off were part of me, just drastically different parts that were easier to separate than to make coexist peacefully. And easy is good. Less muss, less fuss, less confrontation. I hate confrontation.

Time periods get the same treatment from me. High school was easy; each year of high school had a different feel, some tone or theme, almost like a season of a TV show.
I am not good with dealing with time, especially the past. Ok, the future's not so good either, but the creeping anxiety I feel when I think about the future is better than the crippling nostalgia that overwhelms me when the past wafts by. As in, nostalgia that is physically painful. Part of the compartmentalization process it putting everything specifically in place, which means it's very easy to find it again, exactly how it was. I can point to any one event and instantly say, "Oh, that was sophomore year," etc. And I can remember exactly the person I was then, almost become her in that moment. All of that gets packed up in the box.
Then it hits me that that will never happen again, never ever, and I will never, ever be that girl again. (Which admittedly in some, maybe most cases is a good thing, but the realization still gives me stomach cramps)

This epiphany was highlighted rather brutally recently, when one of my best high school friends and I decided to try and contact a someone who had been a rather prominent figure in our lives back in the day. Oh, all right, it was a mutual ex-boyfriend. We thought it'd be funny, which just goes to show how straight-thinking we were at the time. Of course, we ended up, if not regretting it, at least cringing a little--he was straight-up dismissive of us, and specifically of me. Admittedly, we hadn't ended on the best of notes, but there was closure. Even so, it was hard for me to believe that someone could just leave me behind like that. Put me so solidly in the past when we had once meant too much for each other. Shocking, I know, right? Especially because I had left him behind so long ago myself. That part of my life was so vivid, so important, that it never really occurred to me (in the important sense, not intellectually) that I couldn't just open that box whenever I wanted and go back to that.

When the past is gone, it's gone, no matter how many times you and old friends tell funny stories about it over drinks.

The danger of boxes is, they're tricky. They make it easy to think you're safe, think you've got it all taken care of. But too many boxes and you're in trouble. Maybe someone opens one they're not supposed to and you get screwed, or maybe you forget where you put something, or you're just too fond of going through them. In any case, it's going to mess you up. You can't live life so neat-like, to fool yourself into thinking it's easy and you're safe.


But still, it's hard to give them up completely. And what with everybody graduating or not graduating and getting jobs/more degrees and moving away (geographically or emotionally), I expect they're freaking out about how to pack up (or not pack up) their own little boxes. Both extremes are tempting: get a completely fresh start, throw everything away and sever all ties; or, cling for dear life to old friends and places and everything you already know.

Me? I'll admit, I'm more inclined to do the former. In a lot of ways, it's easier. And I know that there is a lot of stuff, and some people, I will have to let go of, like it or not. But I'm going to try like hell to give me life some continuity, to let it continue to flow instead of stagnating in the tiny compartments I force it into.

I'm a little bit better about my boxes now. I don't put away so much in them, with myself or with other people. I let things get a little messier, spill over into unexpected places. It's more fun that way.

I said-a done, done, doneity done,ah done done doneity done!

At 11:16 PM last night, I finished and sent my last paper ever as an undergraduate student. (In case anybody is interested, it's a pretty lame essay-esque deal forcing me to cram together random facets of existentialism we happened to study in the second semester. Not my best effort, but eh.) The sending of that paper was also the completion of my finals, and thus the end of my career as a practicing student (at least for the time being).

I've had an amazing time these past four years, possibly/probably the best of my life so far. I've met great people whom I appreciate more than I can say, and learned and experienced interesting, crazy, and sometimes pleasantly confusing things. I have started to come into myself as a "real person." So I must admit that I pretty much have to always treasure this era of my life. But:

This is the moment for which I have been waiting sixteen years.

Pretty stoked. After I hit the "Send" button, I was like:

And then I was immediately like:

(Yeah, I just figured out how that webcam works. I now possess a lot of pictures of me making ridiculous faces with that drink. No, that is not just orange juice.)

Seriously considered just throwing my notes/printouts/notebooks just freaking everywhere around the room. Promptly realized I would have to clean that up later, and settled for maniacal cackling instead.

Now for EPIC SUMMER. And then? The GAP YEAR.

Life planning and logistics come later, i.e. after the 18th (Graduation Day).

Until then? There are still several seasons of How I Met Your Mother left for me to watch on Netflix, and there is a neglected Nord warrior who demands my attention as well. Not to mention the hefty stack of books (poetry, mostly) I've collected throughout the year and have not yet had a chance to read. While I had my nose to the academic grindstone, that stack seemed to taunt me. Now it is like a big pile of literary glee waiting for me to roll around in it. So much time is almost viscerally unspooling in front of me. I cannot enjoy this feeling of potentiality enough; it has been far too long since I've felt this eager to embark on tomorrow.

Yeah, if anyone has any plans/ideas/schemes for summer adventures, just let me know!
(Also a job and/or an apartment in New Orleans would me nice if you've got either of those handy, too)

As it ends, so it begins.

It's Procrastination, So True...

So, I have finally, finally finished what seemed like it would be an endless succession of classes as an undergrad. My last week was kind of a strange one, especially psychologically; a constant justificatory bargain with some scholastic devil: Okay, seriously, what do I really have to go to? My last philosophy class is cancelled, so if I go to Dante on Tuesday, what difference is it really going to make if I don't show up on Thursday? (Yes, I did skip my last Dante class and yes, I do feel like a worse person for doing it. I did have my reasons, but they mostly involved me acting like a spoiled child/senior in her last week of school, so there.) But now? All over. Four years stressing over the chaotic balancing act of assignments, attendence records, papers, exams, and professorial approval(/disapproval), and after all that: no harm, no foul. Now all that's left is to hurl reams of paper with words on them at my professors until someone eventually hurls back another piece of paper that says I'm graduating. So close I can smell the ink on it already.

And no, I'm not walking in my graduation.
I've gotten mixed reactions to this statement from friends, family, and teachers. My mother, the only person whose opinion would really sway me on this one, is happy with my not walking as long as I'm happy with it (I am). She didn't walk in her college graduation, and I've been unsuccessfully trying to persuade her out of this whole walking thing for every graduation since kindergarten. Really, I can't overemphasize how little these things mean to me personally and how mind-shriekingly tedious they are to sit through. About half the people who hear I'm not walking reply with "Ohmigod why not?!" (to which I respond with the points laid out above). Some of my friends just shake their heads sadly and say, "Lucky." Some (along with several family and academic figures) try to persuade me to walk anyway: "It'll be fun and it's your day and you should be proud you've done so much!" And yes, I am proud. And I know that the people that mean the most to me certainly know what I have done and how hard I've worked to get here, and they are beyond proud of me. Most of the people in the PMAC don't know me or what I've done, and couldn't give less of a flying kazoo, because there are 5000 bajillion people to graduate in my college and all they want is a.) to see their whoever walk across the stage for 7.5 seconds and b.) to get the hell out of there. Not exactly the most appreciative of audiences.
Went on a bit of a rant there, but I've been inundated with this type of question lately, and I feel quite strongly about it. N.B.: I am not knocking anyone who decides to walk in his/her graduation. I am so proud of all of my friends who are graduating and I hope they all know that, and if I could stand to drown in LSU pomp and circumstance for one minute longer than I had to, I would be right there with them.

Anyway, all of this is just my way of continuing to be excited about exiting undergrad, along with (of course) putting off actually putting together my final philosophy paper and poetry portfolio.

Speaking of which, it is slightly harder than I anticipated to find literary journals/magazines to which I can submit right this second; all too many have either just closed their submissions or have gone on hiatus or aren't reading until fall or somethingsomething. So although I was going to post here a list of the journals to which I was thinking about sending poems... I'm not. Probably going to end up sending my stuff to Diagram, and though I love their journal, I would also love to have some backup options. I know I've mentioned all this, but have to start collecting those rejection slips sooner rather than later (I'm going to make a collage; pretty excited about it). Mayhaps I'll wade through all the fliers and slips I collected at AWP and see if any of them are still reading. Hm.

In any case, this procrastination attempt is going far better than attempting an outline on my philosophy paper/essay (two pagers of notes+quotes and counting!) so better go deal with that.

There's a very certain feeling that goes along with being able to mark freedom as a specific date on the calender. It's pretty great.

There seem to be gypsies playing trombone in my soul?

Hey! May Day! A giant nexus of socio-cultural spring traditions, plus some labor stuff--huzzah! Now, my plans do not (as of now) include dancing merrily with ribbons around a symbolic pole (I kind of tend to avoid most fertility-type rites, anyway), so instead I'm constructing a small mental(/virtual) checkpoint.

Why today can be construed as good:

• Sunny happy weather (okay, I generally prefer overcast days, and okay it's quite warm for my taste but it could be a whole hell of a sight worse)
• I went to Yogalates yesterday (what? I know! I feel like a better person for it) and did not wake up in excruciating pain today (yay stretching)
• I am eating delicious Greek yogurt (raspberry + some honey)
• I have amazing friends (literally, I am in amazement of stupefying, epic proportions when I think about how good they are to me and how lucky the world as a whole is to have them around)
• I have three days of classes left in my undergrad career

Biggest project on the horizon for finals week also happens to be the one most likely to be relevant to my life after finals week: my capstone poetry portfolio. We are being forced by the will of our esteemed professor (not being sarcastic here, Laura Mullen is great) to not only compile a final portfolio, but actually send the bastard thing out into the world, i.e., submit to a journal. So even though I've already done the bulk of the creative work for the portfolio (okay, there will be some tweaks and revisions that will probably drive me crazy in the end), it will almost certainly cause me the most mental anguish out of all of my finals. Better start getting those rejection slips now, so that by the time I move to a real city, I have enough to make a wall hanging.

Actually, I'm pretty excited about it.

Went to Festival International in Lafayette this weekend, and though we only got to be out there for a relatively few hours and only saw two bands play, I had a fantastic time. Slavic Soul Party is pretty much my new favorite music thing in the world. I might have guessed that a crazy Balkan-funk brass line would rock my world, but now I know for sure that that is the case. I mean, I couldn't help but dance. Literally. I was psycho-physically swayed by the music, and my face hurt from smiling so much. I am getting them to play at my hypothetical wedding.

Anyway, I'm going to wrap this post up with what I could not stop myself from repeating all that evening (it's great when you can end two blogposts in a row like this):

"I'm so happy."