I am existentially nauseated. Nauseous. Both. This is not failure, though failure is better than suffocating with your lips sewn shut. This is practice. Practice is breathing with all your ribs broken.

Congratulations to everyone graduating and/or getting into their Master's programs. I have these passing pains of nostalgia and/or jealously I think that are immediately followed by an overwhelming wave of ohthankgodthatsnotme. The latter is so intense that either my defense mechanisms are way too securely in place for my own good, or that really isn't where I need to be right now. Probably both. Still, I get so dizzy when I think about all the people living all their lives. Facebook &c splays out are their details before me in full color and I am just as uncomfortable in their presence as if I would be breathing their same air and knowing. My news feed is a constant plucking at my personal masochism of voyeurism. Ouch.

I need a vacation. I need to have long enough where I don't have to turn profit in the face of the nattering world, long enough to withdraw so far into myself I come out on the other side. I want to quite my job so I can lay around without work or school. I will eventually start missing something. Whichever I miss first/harder is what I'm supposed to be doing. Flawless plan.