I am existentially nauseated. Nauseous. Both. This is not failure, though failure is better than suffocating with your lips sewn shut. This is practice. Practice is breathing with all your ribs broken.
Congratulations to everyone graduating and/or getting into their Master's programs. I have these passing pains of nostalgia and/or jealously I think that are immediately followed by an overwhelming wave of ohthankgodthatsnotme. The latter is so intense that either my defense mechanisms are way too securely in place for my own good, or that really isn't where I need to be right now. Probably both. Still, I get so dizzy when I think about all the people living all their lives. Facebook &c splays out are their details before me in full color and I am just as uncomfortable in their presence as if I would be breathing their same air and knowing. My news feed is a constant plucking at my personal masochism of voyeurism. Ouch.
I need a vacation. I need to have long enough where I don't have to turn profit in the face of the nattering world, long enough to withdraw so far into myself I come out on the other side. I want to quite my job so I can lay around without work or school. I will eventually start missing something. Whichever I miss first/harder is what I'm supposed to be doing. Flawless plan.
I spent a large chunk of my life believing that I had to physically relocate to "take a vacation." To not worry about everything, to not constantly deconstruct and reassemble the intellectually stimulating clusters of society, to rest from the constant get-up-and-go-nowhere of every damn day.
ReplyDeleteIt's a damn lie, though. I didn't need to sit on a tourist beach with a gaudy goblet full of coconut bullshit in order to stop thinking for awhile...peace of mind shouldn't come with a bill. I think it might be like dehydration: by the time you're feeling thirsty, you're already halfway dehydrated; your body runs so much smoother when you're properly hydrated, you wouldn't believe it. Take 5 or 10 minutes out of your day to go outside and lay on the grass. Don't bring anything to distract you from the birds and the roses and the sky -- just surround yourself with beautiful living things that don't think, and in 5 or 10 minutes, you might wonder why anyone thought language was a step up.