Scribspo

I've been giving a lot of thought (and therefore, of course, a lot of anxiety) to shaping the place where my writing comes from. Not necessarily what I write about, though that could very well end up being part of that, but what drives me to write. Or, to be more specific slash meta about it, what drives me to diving me to write. And also the fear of the lack of said driving.

A podcast I listen to, "Stuff Mom Never Told You", recently did an episode "Is fitspo unhealthy for women?" Fitspo consisting mainly those pictures on Pinterest etc of all of those beautifully lit uber-scuplted lady abdominals dripping in sweat, exhorting you to go workout NOW and push yourself HARDER. Often they're overlaid with some kind of text to this effect. Some of it is pretty regular motivational poster stuff, like the quotation from T. Roosevelt, "Nothing worth having was ever achieved without effort" (Now picturing Teddy ogling some sweaty girls) or "Be Active Get Sweat Feel Great Repeat" mild exercise propaganda. Fine. But then you get into the territory [oh dear god I just accidentally closed my browser window and thought I lost all of this, thank the gods for automatic saves] that's questionable and creepy, the compulsive imagecentric-- "so... you'd rather have a bag of chips than look like this?" "Suck it up now so you don't have to suck it in later" "Would you rather be covered in sweat now or covered in clothes at the beach?"    Um.

Basically this trend fad whatever covers motivations on the spectrum from "Well, I guess I would like my body to feel better and work better and this is something that I overall would like to do and is good for me" to "If you TOUCH that potato chip and also do not do 2,483 crunches every day you are a horrible person and no one will ever love or desire you because you are fat and ugly."  Again, um.  Looking at the Pinterest page for Fitspo is starting to make me anxious and depress me ("Fitspiration" is definitely less than inspiring to this particular gal") so I'm going to close it now.

It's this acute shame end of the spectrum I'm interested in, though. Because it's this kind of psychology, the humiliating personal trainer/drill sergeant manufactured voice inside the head, that I feel is uncomfortably similar to how I goad myself into writing. And that's not ok, for basically all the same reasons I feel squicked out looking at the fitspo pictures. It's the wrong reason, the wrong drive to compulsion. (Is there a right drive to compulsion?) Maybe all of these (predominantly) girls just want to do the right thing by themselves and be healthy, but a lot of it smacks of control and self-image issues and a distortion of the idea of who they are and what they could be.

For me, for my writing (I feel just incredibly self-conscious, by the way, talking so much about "my writing", as if it were a thing of cohesion, a fact) this is how it should be: It's not about the results. Well, okay, it is about the results, but it's not exclusively about the results. If the process isn't done "right" (or "rightish" or "in the realm of rightability"), the results are never, ever going to matter, They are never going to be good enough And yes. Ambition and the drive to succeed and to always be better are good things in their own way; I'm sure everyone can agree on that. Teachers and parents etc nod their heads. But this kind of "Do it Do it better and if you are not doing it right now nothing will ever be okay" leads to a screeching negative feedback loop. If I stop writing, the self-shaming doesn't stop, it just gets stronger. Which, of course, instead of encouraging me to pick the pen/keyboard back up, makes me even more reluctant to do so. And so the shaming gets more intense. And on and on.

This isn't how I want to write.

I want to write because I have something to say, or because I want something good to come out of it. Not because not-writing is hell, and writing is crap but slightly less personally foul. I know it's never going to be vomiting sunshine and rainbows (that sounds awful, actually), but I want it to be an overall positive process in my life.

I know that plenty of "successful" and "good" writers have had horribly unhealthy and negative relationships with their writing and their writing process and it's all compulsion etc. I've seen Naked Lunch too. But that's not me, and I have to accept that. As much as I would love to play the Tortured Writer who just burns to pick up a pen with every breath and can't stop no matter how brutal, that's not my role. If I want to keep writing. I'm going to have to be the one that pushes myself to do that, not some mythical inner fire.

So let's just hope I can get away from this culture of shame I have immersed myself in and find some way to do that without causing some kind of neurotic break.