2012: "We Stopped."

So, Happy New Year and stuff! I can hear people still (illegally) shooting off fireworks, so I guess their party must still be going-- well, kudos to them. More partying all around! On my part, the turning of the calendar (oops, still literally have to do that to my own hard copy) was a shockingly serene and pleasant experience.

Went down to New Orleans with some friends, which on New Year's Eve (or anything remotely resembling a holiday, really) is usually a crazy party chaos-pit of an experience. And, okay, there were a lot of your typical "crazy party" things. Noise! Liquor! Lights! Absurdly tiny sparkly dresses and way-too-high heels! Beer! Liquor! Sparklers! Liquor! We toured from Uptown all the way through and around the French Quarter, a nice if exhaustive route. And as I glided (almost completely sober!) through this mess of good-natured debauchery, I had a thought that is pretty unusual for me at the most low-key of times and much more so at the present moment:

There is no anxiety. I am calm, with a firm grip on the reigns, and I am having a damn good time.

And it was true. Despite my distressingly poor ability to navigate even a simple grid of streets, the erratic temperature and baromentric conditions in the Quarter, and ragingly drunk tourists and glaring police everywhere, I was fine. I was not panicking, or even nervous. Not about getting accosted, or getting vomit on my shoes (though I was very sensible and careful to avoid both of these situations), or meeting up with the 572 other friends roaming the streets of New Orleans--even having a destination seemed pretty unimportant. This, I must emphasize, is a pretty big deal for me. Even the most mundane plans cause a rumbling of anxiety in my gut, and any kind of "adventure" tends to send it clawing its way up my spinal cord. If I don't have at the very least a written schedule of activities with accompanying time estimates and maps, things go downhill for me and my ability to enjoy the evening very quickly. So aimlessly wandering with my Boy and two friends alongside packs of feral party-goers through the belly of New Orleans without worry? Kind of a big deal. Starting 2012 off right. And hey, it's the last New Year's, so why not?

In the end, we got to our destination and beyond, and then back to the car and subsequent sleeping arrangements without any sort of injury or major expenditure (besides some serious walking time). Pretty damn good. Woke up this morning (um, afternoon), grabbed coffee from my new favorite cafe Uptown, Z'otz, then headed over to my lovely friend Mandi's house for some tasty New Year Gumbo. And still made it back in time for Boyfriend to get to work. New Year Success!

Resolution: Er, be better, I suppose. I bought a pack of foil stars, and am going to mark my calendar with them when I do "good things" -- exercise, make art/writing, do food things that are tasty cheap AND healthy. We shall see!

And lastly (and randomly): I don't know if I'll ever get married. Hell, I don't know if I even want to get married. And I know the following conflicts with my compulsive anxiety as described above. But if I do get married, I can only hope that the wedding will be as amazing as Neil Gaiman and Amanda Palmer's was. Yes, I teared up a bit. Totally worth it.

Sauntering Vaguely Improvement-wards

So if I wanted to be really ambitious this new year, I could make the following goals:

-Make a budget. This would require having a rough estimate of combined household income, which is a slippery fish indeed. Both Boy and I wait tables, and while I have heard tell that it is possible to budget in this line of work, I strongly doubt our capacity to do it, at least while our finances are structured as they are.

-Donate and/or volunteer. I've already put a little money into Kiva micro-lending but I could really afford to put a little more, I guess. Ideally I'd volunteer with Habitat for Humanity, and actually gain useful construction skills. Anyone with me?

-Cook more. This is both for the sake of food and for the sake of money. It's hard sometimes, though, considering how picky of an eater I am and how un-creative I can be in the kitchen. However, currently cooking a big ol' pot of red beans and rice, made with only a few glances at the recipe. My Cajun family would be proud.

-Write more. I don't even need to talk about this one.

-Oh, also read more. Ideally at least 12 books this year, one per month, hopefully off my "To Read" list.

I'll be keeping these in the very back of my mind this year, because if I think about them or actively plan too much, they will absolutely not get done. Things like this have to lurk in the corner of my mental vision to be truly effective. So here's hoping! If you have any recommendations (recipes, good books, local volunteer opportunities) to help me inch along this path, do let me know.

Ring Out, Ring In

So this is the new year?

Well, I don't feel any different.

Yes, using song lyrics to express sentiment on blogs/online journals/whatever might be slightly overdone, but, hey, it's true. And completely unsurprising, given (a) the nature of 2010 and (b) it's true every damn year. First of all, let me address (b): It's true for pretty much everybody-- you can throw exactly the right party, kiss the perfect person, wear the perfect dress, play the perfect song, but if you're expecting a magical tabula rasaness to descend upon you at the stroke of midnight, I'm afraid you will be sorely disappointed. Then again, I suppose it's all a matter of psychology, and you may well get washed away by your wave of optimistic ecstasy. Please also note that one night does not a year meake, no matter how auspicious or inauspicious it is as a beginning.

Now, (a): 2010 was not a year of dramatic changes, of breathtaking wonders (excepting Boulder), of either resolutions or revolutions. Some things happened, I suppose (as things tend to do), but it was only the grumblings of the Earth creeping along in its course. Mostly it was a year of...let's say furthuring. Growing and expanding what is already there, gaining a firmer hold on life, developing and rounding out myself and my life. Slow, boring stuff like that. I don't expect 2011 to be much different, but maybe the slop of progress could be a bit steeper?

New Year's Resolution, 2011: Make my life more beautiful.