In honor of the week of Christmas, which I hate*, I will Grinch-tastically put forth a post (series of posts?) in the spirit of grumbliness...
THINGS I HATE*.
1.)
Starting Christmas Way Too Flipping Early.
Since it is now in fact appropriate to celebrate Christmas, I thought I'd start with this now-belated gripe. We've all noticed that Christmas is creeping up ever earlier each year. Thanksgiving has long since been tinseled into oblivion in the frenzy to begin
inflating your Santa and playing "Sleigh Ride" as soon as humanly possible. But a countdown to your Christmas countdown is really getting a bit much (I'm looking at you, ABC Family)--and now the sinister jingling of Santa's minions can be heard all the way back in October. Now, buying Christmas tree-shaped candy to hand out to trick-or-treaters is one thing. Natchitoches, Louisiana, takes this holiday territory infringement to a whole 'nother level.
Personal story. I thoroughly enjoy celebrating Halloween. I like spooky things, excessive amounts of candy, fog machines, and slutty costumes as much as the next person. In fact, having been an employee of the
13th Gate Haunted House for several years running, one could make the argument that I enjoyed these things significantly more than the next person. Now, this Halloween was the the first Halloween in four years that I had off (due to aforementioned haunted house), and for boy-friend related reasons, I spent this Weekend of Halloween Freedom in... Natchitoches. I'm the first person to admit that Baton Rouge is lacking in some respects, but it does know how to throw a
helluva block party on Halloween. Even if you choose to avoid the boobs-and-vomit allure of Carlotta St., chances are you have some friends in the city somewhere dressed up for drinking and generally a pagan-eqse good time.
This sort of thing is conspicuously missing in Natchitoches. Approximately two houses in the whole town (a pretty decent percentage, I'll admit) made any attempt at Halloween decoration. There were a few (decidedly uncarved) pumpkins lying around public areas. But overall, Halloween is swept under the rug, probably because Natchitochieans fear immediate possession of the entire town by evil spirits. To avoid such a problem, they skip straight to Christmas. When I arrived the weekend of October 29 - 31, the damn lights were already decking the quaint tableaux of Front Street. Look, I know how exciting Christmas must be for the
"City of Lights". But at least throw some plastic skeletons out there for a weekend.
Halloween in Baton Rouge
 |
| Approximation of Halloween in Natchitoches. Notice the lack of rave. |
2.) Really Aggressive Acorns
This isn't so much of a nationwide issue as the Christmas/Halloween thing above, but it is definitely a more constant source of annoyance in my life.
Apparently, there are oak or oak-ish trees on the property where I (and several other victims) live. These trees are generally benign. They provide us shade and some contribution of oxygen and a nice earth-toned balance to the horrific salmon-color paint of our house. In return, we do not generally mess with them or pay them much attention at all, really.This relationship holds well for about 3/4 of the year, but then somewhere around what would be considered autumn in states that actually have season, these trees get unaccountably angry and initiate a sort of guerrilla warfare with our roofs and our sanity. At random intervals, they pelt our houses (and cars, and cats) with tiny, high-speed missiles--any time, anywhere.
"But," one might say, "those are just acorns, which naturally drop from trees at that time of year." Yes, I hear that does happen. But "drop" is not really a verb that can explain the explosive landing force of these death-nuts. "Hurl" or "sling" or "launch" comes closer, but really, gravity alone will not account for these suckers. I'm not sure if the squirrels have launched some crazed campaign against us, or if the acorns themselves have gained vindictive sentience, but they are relentless.
Imagine: You're spending a relaxing evening alone and vulnerable in your house, maybe
just about to doze off, when
RAT A TAT BAM BAM
sounds not unlike gunfire erupt somewhere very close to your head. Oh no! Is it burglar-rapists? Increasingly negative negotiations spilling over from the nearby ghetto?
The Krampus, finally come with punishment in full? Nope, it's just the
freaking acorns, propelling themselves full-force at your roof, or walls (somehow?) or, even better, the acoustic amplifier that is your air-conditioner. You finally manage to convince your adrenaline rush to release its grip and begin to doze off again, when
KAPOW CRACKA BOOM
repeat...
Well, that's all the impotent ranting I can muster up for now but there are oh so many things on this list. Updates on hate-worthy things throughout the week, until Christmas finally comes with presents to assuage my awful rage.
*Yes, I know that "hate" is a strong word, and no, I don't hate Christmas or the items discussed above. The feeling is more akin to a disgruntled-frustration-and-annoyance (to varying degrees). I just really didn't want to type that out every time.
